


Always on my Mind

by yankeetooter



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M, Memories, Memory Loss, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23995741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yankeetooter/pseuds/yankeetooter
Summary: Suddenly the Valery Legasov that Boris knew is not there anymore, and Boris, in trying to bring him back, is forced to think back to how he's treated Valery in the past.
Relationships: Valery Legasov/Boris Shcherbina
Comments: 16
Kudos: 28





	1. Who Am I Again?

**Author's Note:**

> Just an idea I had that I needed to write about...enjoy!
> 
> Based on a song by Willie Nelson (words below)

_Maybe I didn't love you_  
_Quite as often as I could have_  
_And maybe I didn't treat you_  
_Quite as good as I should have_  
_If I made you feel second best_  
_Girl I'm sorry I was blind_

_You were always on my mind_  
_You were always on my mind_

_And maybe I didn't hold you_  
_All those lonely, lonely times_  
_I guess I never told you_  
_I am so happy that you're mine_  
_Little things I should have said and done_  
_I just never took the time_  
_You were always on my mind_  
_You were always on my mind_

_Tell me_  
_Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died_  
_And give me_  
_Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied_  
_I'll keep you satisfied_

_Little things I should have said and done_  
_I just never took the time_  
_You were always on my mind (you were always on my mind)_  
_You were always on my mind_

_You were always on my mind (you were always on my mind)_  
_You were always on my mind_

\------------------------------------------

Upon his arrival back in Chernobyl, Boris was greeted by a somber Tarakanov. "What?" he barked in his usual characteristic way. _Just what he needed...more surprises._

Nonplussed, Tarakanov ignored Boris' typical irritability and delivered his news. "Some of the soldiers were trying to locate the missing fuel in the reactor, when they came across a large mass of it that had melted down into the lower levels. The radiation level is so high that they couldn't even enter the room. They had to rig a camera on a toy truck and send it down the hallway to get a picture."

Boris shrugged. "And?"

"Well, we don't know how we're going to deal with it if the men can't even get close enough to it. And...there were some injuries involved." Tarakanov looked down as he made the last statement.

"How bad is it? They're being taken care of, right? And what does Legasov say about all this? He's the one who will know what to do, if anyone will."

"Well, one or two men were exposed to excessive levels of radiation, although for only a short amount of time, and we're getting them treated, but..."

"Okay, that's alright then, but what did Legasov say about everything?" Boris was getting impatient. It wasn't like Tarakanov to waste his time like this. Why didn't he just tell him everything and get it over with? And where was Valery anyway?

"Boris...Valery ran down to the area where the men were to oversee the operation. He...hit his head fairly hard on an overhead pipe, and, well, he's got a bit of a bump on his head, but..."

"So he's alright?" Suddenly Boris' heart was racing. What wasn't Tarakanov telling him?

"Maybe you'd better come and see for yourself."

\--------------------------------

Boris followed Tarakanov to the medical tent, where he was relieved to see Valery sitting up in a cot. Other than a small bandage on his forehead, he looked none the worse for wear, but something seemed wrong.

That something became clear when he got to Valery's bedside. The scientist propped himself up on the pillows and held out his hand as if to greet Boris.

Boris, with all the instinctual habits of a career party man, an apparatchik who was used to hobnobbing with other politicians, reached out and shook Valery's hand in a reflex reaction

Valery gave a shy smile. "Hello, it's nice to meet you. They tell me you're in charge, and that I work with you. I'm afraid I don't know much else at the moment. They told me I hit my head rather badly, and now I don't even remember my name."

To be continued...


	2. Reliving the Past (And Not Even Realizing It)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boris seeks to jog Valery's memory, while dealing with memories of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mention this in the first chapter, but these events take place shortly before the biorobots go into action on the roof.

"...and I don't even remember my name." Valery glanced at Tarakanov, who gently reminded him, "Professor Valery Legasov." Having been reminded, Valery turned back to Boris expectantly.

But Boris only stood there in shock, still clasping Valery's hand. Seeing Boris wasn't going to be much help, Tarakanov again stepped in. "Valery, this is Deputy Chairman Boris Shcherbina." 

Valery nodded to Boris, repeating, "Deputy Chairman Boris Shcherbina." But Boris could not take it anymore. Hurriedly excusing himself, he rushed from the room. Moments later, Tarakanov found him outside, practically hyperventilating.

"Boris! Are you okay?

"Nikolai...he doesn't even remember his name? What are we supposed to do? I mean, thank goodness he had already outlined the steps we needed to take for the liquidation, but what if something unexpected arises? Are we supposed to call Moscow and say, 'We're sorry, but our resident expert has lost his mind, so we need someone else to come out here?' And what do you think the KGB will do when they find out? They will say he's unstable and lock him up in a mental institution for the rest of his life!"

"Okay, Boris, try to breathe. The doctor said there's a 70% chance he will fully regain his memory. But, he says we are to do our best not to put any strain on Valery, and we are not to try to force the issue. He recommends Valery spend time with whomever he was around the most before all this happened." 

Boris nodded. "That would be me."

"Of course. And he suggests that if you can recreate some past events that the two of you experienced together, it might help."

"Well, I can't very well blow up the reactor again!"

"No, Boris, of course not, but maybe take him to some familiar places..."

\-------------------------

The next day, Boris tapped on Valery's room at the hotel. Valery came to the door dressed casually, took one look at Boris' tie, and popped back in the room. "I'll just be another moment!"

Losing patience when Valery had still not appeared after five minutes, Boris found him in the bathroom trying unsuccessfully to put his tie on straight.

_Oh, Valera! You may have forgotten everything, but some things don't change._

Valery looked over sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Deputy Chairman, but I can never get my tie to look right. Er?", shyly, "could you...do you think you could...?"

Boris took Valery in hand and carefully, almost affectionately fixed his tie. _Of course I will, Valera!_ All he could picture was the day they were waiting at the Kremlin and he had barked at Valery to fix his tie. _Why was I so sharp with him? We were both concerned about Ulana, but still!_

The tie properly aligned, Boris turned to leave. "Where are we going today, Deputy Chairman?"

Boris sighed. _I'm going to have to address that, and soon!_ "We're going to take a flight around the facilities, Legasov. Come now, we don't want to be late.

\----------------------

Once again, they sat on the helicopter while it approached Chernobyl from the direction of Kiev. Boris had asked the pilot to take them out towards Kiev so they could follow the same course as they had before.

Boris was seated in the more comfortable chair as before, while Valery sat off to the side. _Should I? Well, it can't hurt._ "Tell me how a nuclear reactor works." Boris didn't know what he had expected, maybe that Valery would suddenly snap back to his usual self and start spewing out facts about neutron flux and the like, but Valery only gave him a clueless look.

"I'm sorry, Deputy Chairman, but I don't know anything about nuclear reactors. But as soon as we get back, I promise to learn whatever I can on the subject, and then fill you in."

Boris looked at Valery tenderly. _Of course you will, Valera._ He turned to look out the window so as to hide his distressed look. That beautiful mind - totally erased!

And then they were approaching reactor #4, although Boris had reminded the pilot not to get too close. The fire was finally out, but there was still a lot of radioactive material on the roof, so they had to be careful. 

Valery jumped up excitedly, like a schoolboy on a day trip, and looked out the window. "Wow! Look at that! That must be where the accident happened! Can we get closer?"

Boris came to stand next to Valery. "No, I'm afraid it's really not safe. We have to stay a certain distance back."

Valery pouted a bit. "Oh, but I really want to get a closer look! Why can't...oh, look! Is that a helicopter that crashed?"

Boris had to stoop a bit to see where Valery was pointing, but of course it was the wreckage from the first helicopter when they started dumping sand and boron on the fire so many weeks ago. Tears came to his eyes when he remembered that moment, even after all the other lives that had been put in danger since then. Those were the first deaths that Valery and he had felt responsible for and it still hurt. He could only nod in response to Valery's question.

Valery turned and caught the look on Boris' face. "I guess that's why we shouldn't fly too close?"

Boris nodded again. Just then the pilot banked the helicopter and Boris placed his hand on Valery's shoulder to steady him. Valery didn't stumble; the maneuver had been gradual, but he looked up at Boris at feeling his hand on his back.

"I...I don't want you to stumble. Sometimes the flight gets a bit turbulent. And Legasov, no more Deputy Chairman. Please call me Boris!"

Valery smiled shyly. "If you'll call me Valery! And I can be rather clumsy sometimes, so thank you." _This man is the kindest man I've ever met! I wish I could remember him!_

_\----------------------_

They spent the day traveling around the outpost to various locations. They watched out the window of the hotel suite while the liquidators cleaned the streets, the very same room where Valery had broken the news to Boris about their shortened lifespans.

_Should I tell him? He has a right to know, same as he felt I should know back then. But what if he never regains his memory? Would it be crueler to tell him and have him be devastated by the news? I wish I knew the right thing to do!_

They then drove to the site where the divers had entered the building on their dangerous mission and they had waited together, anxiously waiting their return. Boris sat in the jeep with Valery, hoping against hope that this might jog his memory. Still, nothing.

It was at midday that a little glamour of hope finally shone through. They were sitting outside eating lunch while nearby some of the newly recruited men prepared to go off and search the outlying areas for pets and livestock that had been left behind. Valery had blanched a bit when he heard that the animals would have to be destroyed. He watched anxiously as the men prepared their rifles, Boris noticing his reaction. 

_I wonder, does he remember Sasha? Does he even know he has a cat?_

One young recruit had apparently never served with the military before. He was shouldering his rifle as he jumped on the departing truck when his mentor barked at him, "Where is your ammo?" When the young man took a few seconds to respond, the soldier said, "The bullets! Go and grab the boxes of bullets!" The boy ran over to the table where Boris and Valery sat and sheepishly grabbed some small boxes sitting there.

After the truck pulled away, Valery sat smiling at the incident. Boris thought maybe the bumbling lad had reminded Valery of himself, but the next moment he noticed Valery saying under his breath, "The bullets! Yes, the bullets!" There was no sudden epiphany, but Boris took it as a positive sign. Maybe he could finally begin to hope.

Eventually, they went back to their rooms to rest until dinner, Boris wracking his brain trying to think of where else he could take Valery to help him remember. Not having much paperwork to go over that evening, he invited Valery to take a walk, who enthusiastically accepted.

The night was quiet. A few stray dogs followed behind them, running off when Valery tried to pet them, but returning as soon as Valery turned around and started walking again.

"Boris, we should have brought something to feed them with!" Valery gave a delighted cry when Boris produced some leftover kolbasa from his pocket. They sat on a nearby bench, coaxing the dogs to come closer and closer to eat.

Valery smiled happily. "I love animals! I was thinking maybe I would get a small dog, or maybe a cat, when I get back home. I guess the landlady would prefer a cat."

Boris smiled. "And what would you name your cat?"

Valery screwed up his face, thinking hard. "Well, if it's a girl cat, I've always liked the name Sasha! I'd have to think about a name for a boy cat."

Boris looked away, blinking back sudden tears. _Come on, Valery! I know you're in there!_

The kolbasa gone, they got up to continue their walk, strolling along in companionable silence. 

"Boris, did we used to go on walks before?" Valery asked shyly.

"Yes, Valera, we did. And it was the best part of the day."

"I'm glad, Boris! It's been the best part of today too!"

\-----------------------

Valery idly looked through the papers on Boris' desk while Boris made some phone calls. On one or two of the schematics, there was a drawing of a strange looking machine. Once Boris had hung up, Valery handed him the drawing with a questioning look.

Boris smiled tenderly at the memory. "That's a lunar rover, Valera. We used it to clean the debris off some of the roof."

Valery tried to picture the process, but couldn't picture a machine that had been designed for the moon being used for the cleanup efforts here. Seeing Boris smiling, he asked, "And did it work, Boris?"

Boris chuckled, momentarily putting Masha out of his mind. "Yes, my dear Valera, it most certainly did!"

\------------------

That night, Boris talked things over with Tarakanov. "I'm just at a loss about what else to do, Nikolai! We've been every place I can think of! There's been a few moments where I thought everything might come back, but at the end of the day, we're still basically where we started."

Tarakanov clapped Boris on the shoulder. "Don't give up hope, Boris! I'm no doctor, but I'm guessing there will be some defining moment that will jolt his memories back. Just keep trying!"

Boris nodded and bid Nikolai good night. He just wished he could be as optimistic as Tarakanov.

\--------------------

When Boris awoke the next morning, he couldn't find Valery. _Oh no! Where could he have wandered off to? He knows not to go too near the reactor. I've certainly stressed the danger enough times to him._

It took almost an hour before Boris could locate Valery, and when he did, his heart skipped a beat. Valery was in the line of liquidators waiting to go up on the roof and clean the debris off of Masha. Boris grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him around the corner from the other men, where they wouldn't be overheard.

"Valery! What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm going up on the roof to help clean the debris..."

"Are you mad? Don't you know how dangerous that is?" Boris felt his anger growing at Valery's careless decision. How could he scare him like this?

"I know, Boris. And it's just as dangerous to the other men too." Suddenly the logical and stubborn man was back, facing down Boris in an exercise of wills...but without the memories of the past.

"Valera! I know you don't remember, but you yourself told me that you and I would live only five more years at most, and that was weeks ago! That was after we'd only just gotten here! You don't need to shorten that time any more by further exposing yourself!"

Valery stepped back at hearing Boris' words, then nodded in acceptance of the news. "Boris, I wondered if that might be the case, after hearing about the dangerous radiation levels here, even now. But those men going up to the roof are risking their lives just as much, if not more. So why shouldn't I go?"

Boris dashed angry tears away. "Because you're needed here, Valera! I need you! You're the one who understands what's going on!" He stopped at Valery's hand on his arm.

"Maybe that was the case before, Borja, before I lost all my memories and knowledge. But what good am I doing anyone now, least of all you? I couldn't even tell you how a nuclear reactor works when you asked me yesterday! And what if I'm always like this? I want to be able to help! I want to do something that matters! And this I can do! Because I'm of no use to you in other ways."

Boris couldn't stand it anymore. He grabbed Valery and held him tight in his arms, while whispering desperately in his ear. "To hell with Chernobyl, Valera! To hell with what use you can be to the cleanup effort! I need you, as a friend! I need you, here, by my side!" And he gave in to all the grief and worry of the last few days, sobbing into Valery's shoulder, his arms wrapped firmly around his friend. _I don't care if you ever remember, Valera! I will always love you! Please don't leave me any sooner than you're already going to!_

Valery felt Boris' arms around him, heard the words Boris cried into his ear, and settled into his friend's embrace. He was in awe of this man and the friendship that they had obviously shared all this time. If only he could remember! But Boris' embrace...it felt right somehow. And so he hugged Boris back, resting his head on Boris' chest, and hoping one day he might be able to recall all that had gone before.

\---------------------

That night Valery had a very vivid dream. He was in a trailer with Boris and some other men. Everyone else was focused on the small TV screens in front of them, but Valery had no clue what was going on.

"And to think that's what they put on the moon!" Boris' deep voice rumbled.

_Well, surely not that one, but I better not say anything. Wait! Is this the lunar rover Boris was talking about?_

Then everyone was leaning forward, so Valery watched too, not quite sure what to watch for. He saw some movement on the screen and then Boris' triumphant fist pump out of the corner of his eye, _So this is what made Boris smile so much the other day!_ Remembering Boris' reaction, Valery couldn't help smiling.

"Valery! What's that? A smile?"

Valery looked over bashfully and saw Boris' arms engulfing him, much as they had earlier that day. But instead of stifled sobs, Boris was laughing into his ear while practically crushing him in his embrace. 

\-----------------

Valery sat straight up, waking up with a gasp! He remembered! Everything! The hug the day the lunar rover worked...and the hug from Boris earlier that day when he had tried to convince Valery not to go up on the roof.

_Boris! I have to find Boris!_

Jumping up, he hurried into Boris' room, stubbing his toe painfully on a side table. Boris woke with a start and came rushing into the sitting room where Valery hopped on one foot while cradling his other foot in his hands.

"Valery! What is it? Are you hurt?" He hurried over, just in time to stop Valery from falling.

Putting his foot gingerly on the floor, Valery grabbed Boris' arms to steady himself. "Borja! I remember! I remember everything! The bullet, the divers...the lunar rover!" Wrapping his arms around Boris, he stretched up to whisper in Boris' ear, "And I need you too, Boris! Always, until the end! Don't ever leave me!"

The End...


End file.
